Welp—I Failed My Preliminary Exams!

Before anyone starts hyperventilating, I will be re-taking my exams in September. Nothing has been disrupted in terms of my visa and I fully intend to leave Duke with my doctorate. 

This fail hit me hard because the only other thing I have ever failed was my tests in Afrikaans as a second language back in grade eight. The only subjects my parents really cared about when I was in high school were English, history, math, and physics. They could not be bothered about the other four I had to take. So, when I started failing in Afrikaans, they simply moved me to a school where I could take isiZulu as a second language. 

This is all to say that failing the exams that determined if I could dissertate or not was a major blow to my sense of confidence in myself as a person and as a scholar. While I am still processing exactly how it happened, I am oddly hopeful.  

I failed and the sun rose again. I failed and my parents are still proud of me. I failed and my committee still believes in me. I failed, and my friends still think I am smart, capable, and deserving. I failed and the world kept spinning.  

The most immediate lessons I have taken from this fail is: 

 1.) When I spoke to others about what happened, many of them told me their own stories about failing at something major. This is what has kept me going. Knowing that others have been where I am and then they moved on. 

2.) I must stay connected to the things that make me feel like an interesting, capable person beyond my academic work—my blog being one of those things. 

3.) Im still pretty AF

I failed my exams, but I will try again.